ROCKFLOUR

Get a life, piss-junkie, incompetent tit, fascist turd burglar. These are some of the random and curious insults that are thrown at recruitment consultants on a daily basis Rockflour reveals. A report commissioned by John Cosgrove, Managing Director of Audit Recruit, believes these jibes are 'completely justified' citing 'ubiquitous ineptitude' and 'a systemic culture of lies, false promises and poor man-management'. "Recruitment consultancies are run by in-bred fascists...the service offered is terrible, well below par. In fact it’s a double bogey" , John Cosgrove observed. However, Chairman of Recruit This , James Vince, refutes the findings vehemently: "The report is toss; we run a crack team of committed target driven individuals. It’s a cut throat business; we may crack a few eggs to make an omelette, but who doesn’t. It’s a bloody good omelette. There are lies then there are porky pies, there’s a difference. The report neglects this point&qu

Cat-like and grizzled, captive by a charmer Awaiting the roadside show A Hindustan spectacle, a carnivore fair Rikki-Tikki and snake in a gladiatorial affair Armoured impervious to the serpent’s saliva Agile and fast one hell-bent survivor Attached to a rock, a rope, a leash A reoccuring circus act, a cultural niche Cat-like and grizzled, captive by a charmer Repeating the roadside show

The forest is a labyrinth of hunger thanks to my small-minded cousin – the grey squirrel. I don’t know where my next meal is coming from and I’m suffering. I’m going mad, I can tell. I need nuts. I hate the grey squirrel and its monstrous appetite. An unwanted guest, eating me out of house and home. There’s no clarion call; there’s no cavalry. The red squirrel population has been decimated and morale is low. Fundamentally my North-American cousin is inbred, dumb and greedy. It’s not a bully just a gluttonous child leaving nothing for its more diminutive, red-haired cousin. I can see them now from my lofty perch, scavenging like starved hyenas. I crossed the road the other day without looking. It wasn’t my time but death doesn’t scare me; I know the smell of it, the feel of it, I see it in my dreams and I’m not intimidated. I’m living a Native-American nightmare - a victim in my own home.

Thomas Yau, ‘star’ of the Halifax commercial -“I’m into something good” - has become a scapegoat for the current recession, ROCKFLOUR reveals. Almost 50 000 letters have been written to the Advertising Principles Agency venting their anger over the one-minute commercial. One viewer from Bradford wrote: ‘Frankly I just don’t know who to blame. That commercial however embodies everything that is wrong; it’s a farce. When I see it on TV I literally feel like my brain is hemorrhaging. The cheeky b*****d has the temerity to sing ‘we’re into something good’. Are they balls!’ The Advertising Principles Agency recently released a statement: ‘There is a growing antipathy towards the Halifax advert especially in light of the credit crunch. We appreciate the commercial is beyond annoying but we simply don’t have the power to ban it. Please stop sending Mr. Yau hate mail and forward it to the Halifax marketing team instead’.

ROCKFLOUR presents an exclusive interview with the long-haired and controversial frontman, James Trevor, from the rock band - Halcyon Days. Interview by John Monty. How did you choose your band name? We debated a number of names John. We tried flicking through a dictionary to find a suitable name, but that wasn't very helpful. First time - we landed on the word 'chandelier' - a lovely word, but goes against the very ethos of our dark satanic music and possibly too obtuse. Second time around, it landed on the word 'generic' and let me tell you my friend, we are anything but generic. So how did the name come about? I'm coming to that John, you're very impatient, almost bordering on impetious. Do mind the manners. I was reading a myth recorded by Ovid that depicts Halcyon days. In a nutshell a wife, grief stricken by her husband's death, jumps off a cliff. Instead of perishing she is carried to her husband by the wind. So we decided on the name Halycon Days

A bird watching enthusiast was rescued by firefighters yesterday after falling into a disused well. Patrick Woods, 58, from North Talon, in Suffolk, fell into the well whilst searching for Skylarks. He was saved by a rambler after he was heard blowing on his bird whistle. “I was looking for birds, binoculars in hand when all of a sudden the ground collapsed beneath me. Thankfully I had my Skylark Signal Whistle with me - it produces over 122 decibels of sound so I just started blowing. It was strangely reminiscent of Kate Winslet’s character in Titanic where she’s blowing for her life. All I had was hope and that trusty whistle”. "I’m a keen reader of Andy McNab so realised the importance of staying calm and focused. I tried to eliminate any negative thoughts but no-one knew I was bird-watching, so no alarm would be raised. In short I thought I was going to die a horrible death. Fortunately I was heard by my guardian angel - Keith, a humble rambler. My skylark prayers were answer